Recently, I gave in to the peer pressure that is Tinder. A friend finally got me to budge by telling me it would be “amusing.” And she was right. While I struggled to figure out how it worked, the brilliant advice she had to offer was, “You click the heart, NOT the star! The star is ‘super like.’ That’s for thirsty boys.”

I’ve compiled a list of thoughts universally recognized by Tinder users. I may or may not have messaged my friend these things in all caps. I may or may not have said some of these aloud to myself.

Have fun, and happy swiping!

1. Okay, if your name is Scratch, I’m definitely going to stay away from you.

2. This makes me feel so shallow.

3. I’m impressed at how few mirror pictures I’m seeing.

4. Why are all of your pictures group pictures??? Which one are you???

5. Crap. You were so cute. I’ve been left swiping for so long…

6. You have three pictures that look completely different. WHAT DO YOU ACTUALLY LOOK LIKE??

7. How YOU doin’?

8. Crap. I know you. Ugh.

9. Can I just have your puppy?

10. Can I just have your cat?

11. Can I just have the person standing next to you?

12. Why don’t you have a picture with your face though? WHAT ARE YOU HIDING?

13. How are there this many Nicks in the world?

14. Is there anything more satisfying than swiping right and seeing that they’ve already matched with you?

15. Why don’t you have any pictures without sunglasses on?

16. Why are you so obsessed about your height?

17. Dee? That’s your name? Dee-nied.

18. I don’t care about your car/truck/shoes/ex(es).

19. Is that person related to you, or…?

20. I’ve swiped through all of your photos, and I still don’t know which one you are.

21. They like The Office? I like The Office! I have to put that on my profile so they know.

22. Dang it. I thought you were the other one.